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I come before you again to atone for my sins. After promising in my previous post to abandon my life of crime, I relapsed. Not only did I engage in piracy (oh curse my blackened soul!) but I indulged in even deeper iniquities...
I bought an interdictor and committed... gatecamping.
I plied the highways and byways of nullsec, seizing the poor, defenseless transport ships ferrying their supple, unprotected goods across that great black expanse. I captured billions in luscious booty before one brave, compassionate soul spoke to me words of purest prophecy, calling me to repentance, saying:
"Go fk ursef and die bubblesucker. Hope your wife gets raped by cancer"
Immediately, this kind, loving pilot's words brought me to guilty tears as I wallowed in my ill-gotten gains. My eyes opened, I knew that the only way I could redeem myself is to write a guide for sweet little carebears on how to avoid falling into the hands of despicable fiends like me...
CAREBEAR'S GUIDE TO NULLSEC TRANSPORT
- Never use a scout. In fact, be OFFENDED if anyone ever dares SUGGEST that you use a scout! EVE Echoes is a mobile game! You should be able to play any content you want solo, blindfolded and on a 1998 Motorola flip phone in complete safety. Anyone who suggests that you should work with others is clearly racist against anti-social loners. Besides, your completely unarmed Tayra is more than a match for any gatecampers you might encounter on the way.
- Use the BIGGEST ship you can. Like any self-respecting husband unloading $500 of Thanksgiving groceries, make sure to take your ENTIRE load in one, massive trip. Splitting loads up in multiple, smaller, nimbler loads is for suckers - pile a single Nereus all the way to the top with every BP, faction module and bit of PI material you can! As the old adage say, "Put all of your eggs in one, unprotected, precarious basket!"
- Cloaking Devices are for sissies. Don't listen to all those cowards in your corp telling you to fit a cloaking device. Those are expensive! Besides, only a coward would hide their slow, lumbering hauler from the hundreds of hungry pirates eager to devour their ships whole.
- Cov Ops ships are a rip-off. Yeah, you've heard of these "covert ops" frigates and cruisers that can immediately cloak and then go to warp while still invisible. Clearly, these are a scam! Those frigates cost TENS of millions of ISK! The cruisers? A couple hundred million! Are you made of money! You can't afford to spend that sort of cash to transport your 5 billion in assets through dangerous space!
- Don't dare learn how interdictors work. Let's be honest - interdictor pilots are literal demons spawned by the lowest pits of hell. Learning how their ships work and the different ways they can gank you as you travel through nullsec is like performing a satanic ritual - forbidden knowledge that might corrupt your brain and turn you into one of them. Better to remain blissfully ignorant. Besides, its not like understanding the game better would ever prevent you from losing your ship...
- Warp straight from gate to gate. You've heard others tell you that you should warp to other celestial objects before jumping to the destination gate because of... something, something, interdiction bubble, something. You tuned them out - again, you don't want to LEARN how those things work! That's how they get you! Just keep warping straight to the gate no matter how many people are in local - it'll be fine.
- Always fly AFK. Your are a busy man. Your time is valuable - TOO valuable to spend carefully navigating your 800mil isk worth of deadspace modules through treacherous space. Come on! You already spent three dozen hours ratting and mining for all of that loot - why should you have to spent 30 whole minutes paying attention while you transport it?
- Don't think. ACT! So you ended up in a gatecamp even after ALL of your careful avoidance of responsibility, effort and study. Well, make sure you IMMEDIATELY start pushing buttons - ANY BUTTONS! - as soon as you come through the gate! Don't sit around thinking through the best plan to survive. ACT! MOVE!! CHARGE!!! LEEROY JENKINS your way to victory!
- Always blame others. Most importantly, whenever things don't go your way - whether you lost your ship or are just angry that you had to actually PAY ATTENTION while flying through hostile space - make sure to loudly and repeatedly blame everyone else for your problems. Spew vile and hateful words, curse, dox and, hell, throw a rape threat or two in while you are at it! After all, those aren't people just trying to play a game - they are the enemy because they interfered with your playtime and you are the only person who matters.
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