· Advice

Last night as I combed through Heimatar hunting for targets, I came across one poor soul ratting in an anomaly. I would soon learn that this unfortunate individual was carrying 90 mil isk worth of blueprints and missions - a fact I discovered when my Caracal Navy ripped his hull open and dumped the contents of his ship into the void.

Following the unfortunate (but foreseeable) loss of his ship in a 0.1 system, the aggrieved pilot messaged me. For the next 20 minutes, this poor, unfortunate soul informed me in great detail of the numerous carnal sins of my mother had committed with various beasts of burden, the real identity of my father (quite a shock!), and the many, many dark proclivities of my own malnourished heart. After reading his heart-felt pleas, his sermonizing stirred up something within my withered chest as his word convicted me of my sins. 

I left that chat a changed woman. I have seen the error of my ways.

I was wrong to prey upon the weak and helpless whose only crime was to play a PvP-oriented game expecting to avoid PvP. How dare I attack those poor pilots in lowsec and nullsec PvP zones! Truly my hubris in believing this game to be built around the continual loss of ships to fuel the economy places my very soul in grave jeopardy. Worse yet, I have convinced many of you to embrace this life of iniquity.

As penance for my crimes, I have decided that this blog will forevermore remain a guide to peace for the carebears of Eve Echoes (any future posts about PvP are clearly the work of hackers seeking to defile my good name). With this in mind, I humbly submit the following guide on how to ply their trade without fear of other insidious pirates stealing their hard-earned profits...

GENERAL TIPS

  • Lowsec and nullsec are basically the same as highsec.  Don't worry about taking any additional precautions.  You have a right to rat and mine wherever you want without fear!  
  • All other pilots are your friends who want you to succeed!  Trust them implicitly, and take their advice without question.  Assume that what you read in local chat is gospel.  
  • Contracts offered in major trade hubs are fantastic deals and you should rush to accept them before someone else gets a chance!  After all, you'd hate to miss all that isk that guy is just giving away!
  • Whenever something goes wrong - your ship is destroyed, you lose money on the market, or you get scammed - remember that it is never YOUR fault.  Make sure to complain loudly and often any time you are unhappy.
FITTING YOUR SHIP
  • ALWAYS fly the biggest, most expensive ship you can afford.  As soon as you have the isk to buy that faction cruiser, empty the bank account and get it!  Don't even worry about fitting it properly - more expensive ships are always better.
  • Warp Core Stabilizers are overpriced and inconvenient.  Don't bother fitting them.  Especially those 'Aura' ones - they are just SO expensive, and you won't really need them.
  • Never fit Micro Warp Drives.  Speed isn't important, and you'll never need to get away from a hostile ship - you can take on anything that dares come after you!
  • Don't pay any attention to your ship's bonuses, stats or other players when deciding how to fit your ship.  Whatever way YOU want to fit it is the RIGHT way.  Ignore anyone who judges you for putting a shield booster and armor repairer on your Cynabal!
  • There's no real difference between PvE fits and PvP fits - just fly your ratting ship into combat against other players without fear!  After all, it can kill NPC pirates - player pirates are basically the same thing.

FLYING IN LOWSEC/NULLSEC

  • When you arrive at an anomaly or asteroid belt, move as LITTLE as possible from the warp in point.  Ideally, stay right at the Warp-to-Zero point - moving takes time that eats into your profits!
  • Similarly, don't bother aligning to a warp-out destination.  That's really inconvenient - ESPECIALLY when mining - and the two taps on the screen can really aggravate your carpal tunnel.
  • If a combat ship warps into your location, wait to see what they do before warping out.  They are probably just lost and want to ask for directions.  Besides, warping out might would cost you whole minutes of time that you could be earning isk!  Waiting is definitely worth the risk.
  • If you need to go get a drink, use the bathroom or diaper your wailing infant, just sit AFK wherever you happen to be.  Don't bother docking at a station - that system is YOURS and no one has a right to touch your ship when you aren't looking!
  • Local is the best, most secure way to communicate with your allies!  Discuss all your plans, your ship fits, your current location and trade social security numbers there without fear.  

RELATIONS WITH OTHER PILOTS

  • No matter how inexperienced you are, YOU know best!  
  • You don't need a corporation - just stay in the default NPC corporation for as long as possible.  A 10% tax rate is a small price to pay for all the companionship and advice you'll avoid!
  • If someone does something you don't like, tell them loudly and in an many channels as possible - private message, local, Reddit, and Discord!  Airing your grievances makes you look competent and masculine!
  • If you encounter a PvP player who dares to destroy your ship, THEY ARE THE LITERAL DEVIL!  Exorcise them with horrible name calling, rape threats and verbal abuse of every kind!  Dox them if you can!!! Do not for a moment believe that they are just another person trying to have fun in a game built for PvP - those are Satan's lies!!!  
  • Finally, if you are attacked by a pirate, make sure to IMMEDIATELY jump in your most expensive PvP ship and rush out to get revenge!  Don't give any thought to the fact that they have hundreds of kills under their belt and you aren't sure how warp disruptors work.  PvP favors whoever is angrier!!

Enjoying the content on this blog? Want to see more ship builds and zany piracy stories?

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